Wolves Riding Bears.

I look back, nostalgically, into my decaying mind, numbly perusing several memories more perfect than ones of now. The affections and the indulging, effortless conversation, however filled with so much of it and both intertwined to form something amazing. When paying notice to these dreamlike times, it makes one wonder on his own status in the modern day. Is life really as lovely as one would want it to be? It wouldn't seem to be so. Regret is such a tragic curse of the memory, especially memories which involve times that don't occur any more.
People, faces, and places.
Words, expressions, sharing.
Secrets, hearts, appreciation.
And you turn to your current state; yes certain things are obviously worth while, and you love them dearly, such as people, items, customs, habits you've adopted, ones you've released, but, it never seems like the thrill of life pertains to anything you're involved with anymore. No one gives you that spark, that smile and most of all, joy.
Joy is lacking, nowadays.
People bring joy, and if the joyous people have departed, it's a horrid existence of sociality. Perhaps you are not allowing yourself to experience joy anymore. Surely, on the perusal of its skin, that idea seems to be ridiculous.
But, really, is it that hard to believe?
Think.
You've loved these people; you've given them your heart, your mind and your hand, and you look over to find them gone, vanished and without a trace of regret for it. It had to be done. So, surely, after however many times of that happening, think of the amount of friends one usually gains over a year, especially if they're very interested in online networking, after many of these people you once cared for, in your heart, once so many leave, your heart is going to be 'sick' of trying to open once again to accept any more. This leaves the barer fickle, and stolen; stolen from his desired position as an open and sociable man. No longer can he simply open his arms and welcome all who come; it makes it more difficult to do so. You become more selective with your people, they have to be a certain way and a certain type. This is similar for partners also. And ultimately, you realise you feel nothing for this person, so, you end up squandering contacts with them and decide that it 'wasn't to be'.
Probably a few weeks later, you will be more than likely regretting this decision, and begging for their forgiveness/re-friendship. If you are lucky, this person will forgive and let you return into their folds.
However, you may be feeling happy with yourself, alas, it will more than likely be a brief, fleeting mind fooling, as, within however long, they'll be showing their liking for you, and you'll start to feel uncomfortable that you don't feel the same way as they do.
You start doubting yourself. You think you're living a lie and that every time you talk to them, you're lying to them. You're lying by being their friend. You're wasting their time. "It's cruel, I better do something about it," you think.
So, the next step is either to brave it and see how you feel in however long, or tell them and ruin everything. But, how long can you wait it out? They're already moving closer and closer. Inching toward your hand. They like you a lot and you can barely talk to them without feeling guilty.
What is the answer to this? I know not. If I did, I'd tell you, I would. It'd be cruel of me to know and not tell you, as you see, I would like to know myself. The point is, the problem is there and it needs to be solved. I'm clearly digressing.
After numerous torturous endings to your beloved friendships, it's a very difficult thing to care again, as i've explained above. I have no real answer to share with you today, other than; If you can rectify the old friendships that made living so good, I'd take that chance.
And boy, I would If I could.