Wolves Riding Bears.

I think i'm running out of people. Interesting people.
Most people I seem to talk to now don't interest me, and there's only a small few who actually do.
I think those people know who they are, because I spend more time with them than anyone else gives me.
And that's one of the problems.
People don't seem to want me to know them enough.
They don't want to make the effort to know me either, because, as it would seem, i'm not worth it.
I try and instigate plans with people, but, constantly, they turn me down because they're too busy; they're too tired; or some other bollocks excuse.
And also, it's always me who tries to encourage activity.
I can't see how, if they actually care about me, that not paying an interest in me is proof.
The internet is lack-luster and i'm sick of using it for communication.
Fucking sick of it, but, most times, it's the only way to talk to people; people who don't even deserve it.

You get it with close friends; they're people who fill you with happiness and excitement upon talking to, and such.
I can shamefully say that there's no one who actually does for me.
Sure, there are people I like the fact that I know, and I like being around, but in terms of filling my heart with excitement, it's lacking for a lot of people in my life.
However, I think I've come to a conclusion to my problem, however, the problem is just solving it.

Friends aren't what I need right now.
I've been forgotten about by too many to actually care about putting my heart on anyone plutonic based.
I don't need a friend, I need a boyfriend.

Sure, I've wanted one for a fucking age and not gotten one due to the limitations of being quite fickle (or the fact that the stereotypical figure of a homosexual leaves me cringing and angry rather than aroused), but, it's finally gotten to a stage that I'm just sick of waiting and thinking that filling that place with friends will make me happy, because it wont.
I can't be around my friends the way I could be around a boyfriend. I want to be able to display intimacy with someone, but, I am always disappointed giving it to people I only like as friends.
Don't get me wrong, I like friends.
I like having friends, but, without having a boy I can cuddle and call my own, I'm rendered not happy.

I don't expect anything from you, reader, by the way.
I don't expect sympathy, an answer or scrutiny.
If you read my blog, you're reading the contents of my mind, and I'll be damned to apologise for them because I am not ashamed of myself or my thoughts and if i'm not happy with something, I don't want to pretend that It doesn't matter because other people think it's their business to bully me about it.
So, no, I don't want your opinions.
This blog is for me to write, and for you to read, but not to judge me because, after all, I'm not a murderer.